I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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