i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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