he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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