Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
