Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
sarcasm needs its own font
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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