I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
