It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
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