Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
