I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize