Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
