ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
