last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i just sent this text using only my big toe
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
