i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
