In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
