Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
