I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize