She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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