so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
