You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
it's like iHOP with fire
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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