This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Ladies don't puke and tell
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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