she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
There are leaves in my underwear?
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