pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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