I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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