the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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