it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
