i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
