Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
