Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
