I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
