If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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