mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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