I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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