my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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