Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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