she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
