hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
