i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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