Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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