in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
