I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize