have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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