recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
