can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
