I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
