I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Randomize
