Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
