Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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