Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
