I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
