my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
