Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
