3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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