How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
