why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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