I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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