She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
