I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize