420 ftw
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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