"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
