He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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