the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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