I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
How naked do you want me to be?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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