Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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